When you build the last physical resting place a person will ever need, you spend a lot of time observing grief up close. For five generations, our family has stood quietly in the background of these profound moments, watching people try their best to offer comfort.
Most of the time, the intentions are entirely pure. But we often see friends and extended family step up to a grieving spouse or child and, out of sheer discomfort, say the exact wrong thing.
We talked about the logistics of showing up in our piece on Navigating Your First Funeral: A Comprehensive Guide to What to Expect, but showing up is only half the responsibility. What you say when you get there matters just as much.
Here is some real talk on what to avoid saying to a family that has just suffered a loss, and why these common, overused clichés do more harm than good.
“They are in a better place now.”
This might align with your personal beliefs, but to the person standing in front of you, the only place their loved one should be is right beside them. This phrase accidentally dismisses the very real, agonizing pain of their current absence.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
Even if you have lost someone in a similar way, you do not know exactly how they feel. Grief is intensely individual, shaped by the unique relationship between two specific people. Claiming you know their exact pain shifts the focus onto you, when the focus needs to remain entirely on the family.
“Everything happens for a reason.”
When a family is navigating the shock of a loss, trying to assign a grand, cosmic purpose to their tragedy rarely brings comfort. It usually just sounds hollow. There is no need to justify the loss or try to make sense of it for them. Just acknowledge the pain.
Any sentence that starts with “At least…”
“At least they aren’t suffering anymore.” “At least you had them for 80 years.” Trying to find a silver lining in a fresh loss forces the grieving person to agree that things aren’t “that bad.” It minimizes their devastation.
What to say instead? Keep it direct, sincere, and simple: “I am so sorry.” “I don’t know what to say, but I care about you.” “I am here for you.”
For the Grieving Family: When the Wrong Things Are Said
If you are the one receiving guests, you are going to hear some of the phrases listed above. You will likely hear them a lot. It is exhausting, and it is entirely okay to feel frustrated by it.
Here is how to process it without taking it personally:
Remember that most people are deeply uncomfortable with death. In our modern culture, people are largely shielded from it, so when they are forced to confront it, they panic. They grab onto the first familiar cliché they can think of simply to fill the deafening silence.
When someone says something clumsy or accidentally insensitive, try to look past the words to the intention behind them. They showed up. They are standing in front of you because they care, even if they lack the vocabulary to express it properly.
You do not owe anyone a profound response, a brave smile, or an agreement that “it’s all part of a plan.” You are allowed to protect your energy. A simple, “Thank you for coming,” or “I appreciate you being here,” is a complete sentence. You can say it, turn your attention elsewhere, and let the moment pass.
At the bench, we treat our craft with the utmost seriousness because we understand the ultimate importance and emotional weight of what we do. We know that the days surrounding a loss are heavy enough without the burden of misplaced words. Give yourself the grace to endure the clumsy moments, and know that your only job right now is to navigate your own grief in whatever way you need.
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